Love Heals

Love HealsMaslowsHierarchyOfNeeds.svg_ This I know. And so do you. Out of the 40 healing “modalities” I have experienced, learned and taught over the past 30 years the one that stands out, the Healing Code, is based on it.

The Healing Code works because of the transformational power of unconditional love. Naturally there are many other modalities which work on the same principle. And of course we have endless testimonies from renowned spiritual teachers to the same end:

“A thought transfixed me; for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth-that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.”

Dr Viktor Frankl

Few people have greater credentials for making such a statement than Dr Frankl, the Austrian psychiatrist who survived Auschwitz, Dachau and Thereseinstadt. If you haven’t read Man’s Search for Meaning let accessing a copy be the first thing you do after reading this post.

We can ask ourselves “What is love?” We can (I have, see To Love and Be Loved) explore the Greeks six different varieties of love and indulge ourselves in all kinds of analysis. Dr Gary Chapman (The Language of Love) talks about five love “languages” as ways to express love to those close to us. Whilst there is a verbal component to all of them, only one (Words of Affirmation) emphasises talk as opposed to the four others which are all actions.

It doesn’t take a Non-Terrestrial to realise that the world and all sentient beings are crying out for love. And as this post is about what you can do, as opposed to tackling the negative global forces of the matrix head-on, consider this:

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Rumi

How many of us can honestly say that they love themselves? Rumi touches upon the barriers we all have when it comes to loving other people. And what is it about loving a higher power, an avatar, God, Source?

Loving another person in an intimate relationship runs the risk that it may all end in tears and for many people that risk is not one they are willing to take. What is it, apart from perhaps “failed” past relationships that has/have installed this “programme?”

The energy of love can be retained by water; plants thrive on it as do companion animals, and in truth all sentient beings.

“The mystery of human existence lies in not just staying alive, but in finding something to live for.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

Some of you may remember or be familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs. At the top of his pyramid lies the self-actualised being. See the diagram (top left) for more.

Maybe it is a goal for you to become self-actualised, or to educate or evolve your soul, or to serve or just have a happy and fulfilled life. Can you become self-actualised without having the “lower” needs met? Maslow suggests not. But we all know (include me) those of us who when in love can ignore the bottom two and have all the inspiration they need to propel them to the top. There is much discussion about the merits of Maslow’s theory so I will leave that with you to explore.

Wayne Dyer in his excellent book, I Can See Clearly Now, talks about our existential needs for challenge and nurture. In my worldview, I can take on just about any challenge if I am loved. And if I am loved I am nurtured. And taking on challenges leaves me open to “failure.” And that “failure” may be very painful. Love Heals.

Wasn’t the primary message of Jesus (and no doubt many other avatars about whom I must plead ignorance) that we should love each other? Most of you, if not all of you, will know how unforgiveness and resentment can ruin lives.

I’ll close this post with this rather telling story from chapter 41 of Wayne Dyer’s above book:

“During the course of our many counselling sessions together, Suzi Kaufman related that her young son Raun, previously diagnosed with infantile autism, was completely unreachable… Autism experts from all around the world declared: ‘It is incurable. He is unreachable. We don’t know why, and there is nothing that can be done.’

Suzi and husband Barry hired students and trained them in a method they created, essentially to surround Raun with unconditional love in a contained, safe environment. For 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for months on end, Raun was the recipient of continual loving responses.

In 1976 Barry went on to write a book called Son Rise, which detailed the entire process they developed and how they were ultimately able to see Raun come back to them and leave his diagnosis of ‘incurable’ behind.”

Many of you will have your own stories. Love Heals. Love is Action. It is a learned behaviour. It will change the world.

Any takers?

Namaste, Jack Stewart, 29 January 2020.

The Language of Love

embracing

Or perhaps more specifically, The Five Love Languages.

“At the heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another.”

Gary Chapman

Apparently research suggests that the feeling of being “in love” lasts for an average of two years. Most of you know the feeling, euphoria, single focus, obsessiveness… Then the work begins. The title of a wonderful book I read many years ago captures this perfectly “After the Ecstasy, the Laundry.”

Maybe the work begins sooner than you think.

One of the fundamentals of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), irrespective of the primary focus of this post is Rapport. Except by coercive, manipulative means, the only way we can truly influence another is by being in rapport with them. Being in rapport with someone requires you to pay attention to how the other person communicates. Like everything in life, some people do this effortlessly and don’t require courses or textbooks. However it is almost certain they do this by having had exceptional role models, whether parents, siblings or teachers. Simply because we live in a world that emphasises difference, competition and these days, through the truly appalling identity politics nonsense, rapport has taken a backseat.

Politically we are probably miles apart, but I do admire Douglas Murray. I watched a video of him and Andrew Doyle in conversation about the contemporary plague of Wokeness. There was so much to admire, but the thing that truly resonated with me, and with the audience they were speaking to, was his comment about forgiveness. Social justice warriors, woke zealots and the misguided set off to destroy the careers of anyone guilty of even a “micro-aggression.”Aren’t we all capable of saying something which offends someone else? If we do that in a deliberate, hurtful and unacceptable way then bring on the condemnation. However the targets of the zealots don’t get away so easily. What Murray was saying is we are all capable of speaking “isms” unintentionally and if so can we not ever be forgiven? A voice of compassion and sanity.

It must be obvious therefore that waiting, poised for someone to “speak out of turn” is the antithesis of rapport. Back to the post.

Chapman’s book, which I would strongly recommend, is the result of his 20 years of experience as a marriage guidance counsellor. It is not a book just focused on marriage as I’ve already said; it is about relationships and ultimately how we get along with each other in this beautiful but testing world.

Chapman talks about the “love tank.” Our (emotional) love tank is filled by an intimate, but it may also be filled by our parents, our friends, companion animals and even audiences. It surely doesn’t need much of an explanation. If our parents love us and are able to show it our childhood will be mostly experienced with a full tank. We will also learn how to communicate with other people and probably be intuitively aware of Chapman’s five languages. When in a conscious relationship, each party will be served by the other filling their love tank. Again it doesn’t take a genius to realise when one or both of the parties have a low or empty love tank too often the relationship may be in peril. Of course again it may be obvious that we are not naturally aware (given the caveat previously referred to) of how our partner “speaks”. For the rest of the article I’m going to refer to intimate relationships but you can apply these principles to any kind of relationship, especially parenting.

It shouldn’t need saying but it surely does. Love is both a choice and an action. Before, during and after the euphoria even simple things like buying your partner flowers is a choice. Being unaware of their emotional needs is a choice. Persisting with your approach when it clearly isn’t working is also a choice.

If I had one reason for writing this post apart from wishing to promote a very useful and effective set of ideas, it is that for people to get on with each other. The introduction of insights and intelligence is often all it needs. Many of us, especially men, think we are all good drivers, good lovers and good conversationalists by default. There is not a single person on the planet, no-one, who is “naturally” good at everything. And to repeat those who do excel have often, mostly in fact, access to brilliant role models. Reflect on your own role models and avoid any condemnation as they were doing their best. I’ll steer clear of the temptation of doing a hit piece on the truly unimaginably appalling contemporary role models of popular culture. You know who I mean. You can’t escape them.

And again, before you roll your eyes in exasperation, all of us do make “wrong” choices. By applying the lessons from this post guarantees nothing except improved communications with others. However if you have a reasonable degree of compatibility and love each other enough, this is for you.

You will all know what it feels like to have a “full tank.” Or even a nearly full one. Cue the song The Wind Beneath My Wings.” Speaking personally, if I have that, I feel I could conquer the world. As I reflect on what is emerging in this piece a stark realisation has just popped up. How many people in this world are running on empty? If love is the greatest (healing) force in the universe, is the global epidemic of chronic illness any surprise? We human beings are incredibly resilient. We can run on empty for years, “topping ourselves up” with hyperactivity, distractions and maybe worst of all rationalisations that lives of quiet desperation (not mine guv) are OK. And maybe it is another reason why we may become desperate for someone to merely partly fill our love tank because that is all we deserve. Or we may just give up.

Chapman’s five languages:

  1. Words of affirmation
  2. Quality time
  3. Receiving gifts
  4. Acts of service
  5. Physical touch

The first one, words of affirmation goes beyond saying “I love you.” It is about complimenting and acknowledging your partner for who they are (self-worth) and what they do (self-esteem). Value them verbally for their being in the world and being your partner. Value them for what they do.

Quality time should be obvious, and again it is more than a trip to the cinema. Included in the quality time must be quality conversations, quality communication and all kinds of intimacy.

Receiving gifts? Yes it includes the obvious, flowers, presents of all kinds, weekends away et cetera. The thoughtful amongst you will realise the gifts needn’t be expensive. And do I need to say it? Yes you do need to be grateful and graceful if your partner enjoys giving you gifts.

For some people, even the simplest act like washing dishes, hanging out washing or changing a nappy are welcome acts of service. And isn’t it easy to ignore or play down these apparently mundane tasks when it comes to the language of love?

I’m sure the last one, physical touch, requires the least comment. The only caveat here is that sexual intimacy may not be as significant or influential as hugs, holding hands or caressing.

If you want to go any deeper than I am doing here buy the book. We all have a primary love language and a secondary one. And many of us will “speak” our own preferences to our partners. In other words if we favour words of affirmation, that is the most likely way in which we will “speak” to our partner. Isn’t it obvious if our partner’s preference is for physical touch or any of the other three (quality time, receiving gifts or acts of service) then the chances are we will not be filling their love tank.

How do you discover your primary language? Reflect, consider how you respond or have responded to other people or- God forbid- ask them.

So, probably the third statement of the bl****** obvious, find out which love language (s) your partner favours and use it/them. And if they don’t know yours, the same applies.

The world needs rapport. You need to be in rapport with yourself, in rapport with others and in rapport with all positive unseen forces which operate on you.

One of the most significant things I have learned over many years is that there is far more we share with others than that which divides us. Oneness. And I have learned that behaviours in others which are mostly trivial but can be irritating or annoying are a million miles away from forgiveness and unconditional love.

It has been said 1000 times but it can never be said enough, love is all you need, and as my current exemplar is the poet Rumi, let him close this post:

“Love so needs to love that it will endure almost anything, even abuse, just to flicker for a moment. But the sky’s mouth is kind, its song will never hurt you, for I sing those words.”

Thank you David Miskimin for this recommendation. You walk your talk. Namaste. Jack Stewart, Monday, 20 January 2020. No music here, sing your own song!

P.S. Why the book picture above which isn’t Chapman’s? The late, lamented Stephen Levine is a master of this genre.