My Heart Is Within You.

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“In the depths of winter, I finally realised I had within me an invincible summer.”

Albert Camus

Credit to unearthing this incredible quote above goes to Eckhart Tolle. How might you come to this realisation yourself? One way, and I’m not sure it hits the mark (it doesn’t), is to go to Eton or Harrow and become “fireproof.” In other words to have an almost unbreakable sense of entitlement and a hugely strong ego. It does get you to high positions in society. But might they have got it right when it comes to self-belief? Add compassion and you have the antithesis of this currently victim-obsessed culture.

Yes, this route is denied to the overwhelming majority, but…Anyhow, I wish to avoid another lengthy post about my old chestnut of self-esteem so let us look elsewhere.

“In the spring of 2003, I am 62 years old and going through my very first bout of extended the sadness… People close to me often ask if I have some sort of illness that I don’t want to talk about. I know I am in a state of depression…. I never imagined I would be experiencing the emotional effects of a separation.”

I Can See Clearly Now, chapter 50, by Wayne Dyer

The exact sequence of events isn’t clear, but Wayne Dyer’s wife Marcelene and he separated in 2001 (after 20 years of marriage), the year he had a heart attack. He also says in the above chapter:

“Today I have a healthy heart according to all of the medical exams- however; it is indeed very much broken otherwise.”

Now this man is one of my heroes, and if you read the above book you will realise from a very early age it was obvious he was going to “make it.” One of his books, Your Erroneous Zones has sold over 100 million copies. Wayne has written over 40 books. Towards the end of his life he did indeed become a living saint.

So this incredible man who spent his whole life immersing himself in self-development and spirituality and then having the gift of communication to appeal to the “ordinary person” succumbed to a profound relationship breakup. There is no discussion of what led up to the separation, and of course he attaches no blame to his wife but it is obvious the effect it had on him.

We all know it’s a cliché, and we probably describe it as a cliché because it’s so true. (Intimate) relationships require work. Being an imagined victim gets you nowhere. We also know that we can find ourselves in relationships that are almost impossible, despite the work, to rescue.

Going further, we have the principle of reason, season and lifetime. We meet some people for an obvious reason, or it may take a long time or never to discover what that reason was. I think the other two are self-explanatory.

I was “fortunate” that my parents had an incredibly strong relationship. They were married 12 years before I was born (adopted) and death indeed was their parting. At least here on the earth plane. I think I can remember only one obvious occasion when they seriously argued. My dad died when I was 33 and my mum when I was 50. I wish I could tell you their secret. Had my dad lasted to the same year as my mother, they would have been married for 62 years. And had smoking not claimed him, they would have made it.

Fabulous role models. Interestingly, Wayne Dyer was married three times.

My first marriage could never have succeeded. A few lessons. Second relationship? 36 years. Third one? We were together four years, married for two. In case you haven’t been following my “stuff” the last two both passed to spirit. Who hasn’t, even in very long-lived relationships, felt like leaving at some time? Is this a bloke thing? I’m no relationships expert, despite my attempts at doing everything my heart tells me to, but I can guarantee that I have become a hugely better person. Pause for a joke. If I was a complete bastard 40 years ago maybe I’m just a bastard now.

Every week I meet a group of male friends for lunch in a local café. One has just found love again and he is a little older than I am. Fabulous. Another has been with his partner for over 20 years. Two others are both single and are absolutely fine. Complicated to describe their situation and their outlook on all this. All I can say is, it is the opposite of mine. In both cases let us say they didn’t have the best role models as children. They are happy for me and I’m happy for them.

I’ve written most of this on the evening of Tuesday, February 4th. Tomorrow (today) I’m going to share my new situation with Vanessa’s family. I think you can guess what the situation is.

There are no comparisons to be made. Live in the moment. My last two relationships, as I have already said, have transformed me. So the emerging and developing relationship I am now in is not between the old Jack of even six months ago.

The beautiful soul I have met is a very private person and there is no way you will ever discover anything about her from reading these posts, except in the most general terms. It wouldn’t take a magician to work out my feelings for her, but in case you are struggling, she is my invincible summer.

Namaste. Love to you all.

Jack Stewart, Wednesday, February 5, 2020.

P.S. “I begin to see that I’ve been wallowing in my ego, and I’m filled with deep sadness because I retreated to an ordinary level of consciousness, I temporarily lost my connection to God.” Wayne Dyer again, offering an explanation for his depression. If your partner is your invincible summer, then in my world, s/he is the primary connection to God. This one will run and run…

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