You cannot escape Bill Bollocks. Unless you live in a dystopian, blade runner kind of world. You may even be a 22 carrot Bill Bollocks yourself. One thing is an iron law, all men, over a certain age (50?), exhibit BB behaviours. Here are a few:
- Making regular trips to the local ‘tip’ or recycling facility. Not just to dump rubbish but because you actually have grown to like it and feel more complete.
- Driving (very) badly, and especially being unaware of other road users. Forgetting what your mirror and indicators are for, driving in the middle of the road and pulling out at the last moment.
- Taking too many prescription drugs than is good for you.
- Making stupid faces unthinkingly.
- Trotting out clichés. The same ones.
- Wearing sensible clothes. Slacks; having only trousers with elastic waistbands.
- Letting your beer gut expand at the expense of your buttock muscles. Losing your arse.
- Wearing truly appalling hats. Particularly when you are in your car.
- Frequenting greasy spoons more often. Slurping tea. Eating absolute garbage.
- Letting your ‘better half’ push the supermarket trolley, walking behind with hands together covering your missing backside. Not helping her load the belt or repack the trolley.
And, most significant of all:
- Being unaware of most or even all of the above.
Arise Sir Bill, you are a fully paid up member of a truly unconscious, life limiting, coffin-dodging demographic. The tip is your lobster.
Jack Stewart, from Skiathos again, September 2019.
I forgot. Habitually (everything a Bill does is habitual) wearing a striped, horizontal or vertical, ‘top’ of the most mismatched colour combination which even the local charity shop may decline. Unless the person who accepts it is…Bill Bollocks.