You can’t die for trying.

Mr & Mrs KK 3Well you are going to find this rather interesting, not least because of the breadth and scope of it. Here is a couple of things I’ve observed in the last few years. The influence of the mind on the body. And of course, ask a psychotherapist for their opinion and they will immediately point to the mind (if your only tool is a hammer then every problem looks like a nail).

A few years ago a wonderful solicitor in Warrington bailed Anne and myself out of a horrendous legal quagmire. Had he not done so it was possible we could have lost at least £500,000. Yes it was that serious and that close. A big man, only slightly shorter than me, revealed one day when we visited his office at weekend he had a penchant for cross dressing. He opened the door clothed as a woman. We felt very honoured, because we knew people who had known him for 20 years didn’t have the slightest idea. Then I noticed something. His body (he was approaching 70) had taken on the shape of a woman. And no, no operations, no drugs.

I remember also in Greece a woman coming on one of our healing workshops was very overweight and had a disproportionate “flap” of skin overhanging her genitals. It later was revealed that she had been abused as a child and lived a celibate life, finding the idea of sexual intercourse abhorrent. Yes there is a good ending to this story, the childhood traumas were released. I have never seen her since.

My adoptive father looked like me, or I looked like him. He was much shorter and broader and there were few other physical similarities but it seemed we grew to look like each other as I got older. He passed in 1985. I am determined to have a near full head of hair as he did in my 70s. Check.

The beautiful Vanessa, stunning from her teenage years has actually, according to her daughters, become more beautiful as she has got older. One of her goals was to be a role model for women of her age. She wanted to inspire women in their 60s to retain their looks. Since she passed I have seen a whole range of photos of her during the course of her life. There is no doubt she has grown more beautiful.

No apologies for what follows. It is yet another tribute to the incredible Vanessa Stewart. And in so doing-my motivation for writing these posts-I hope to inspire my readers.

It’s only five days since Vanessa left her body. Anyone who has lost someone so close to them will tell you that your emotions can be like a volatile cauldron. Malvern drivers, a massively challenging phenomenon, have borne the brunt of my anger today. And you know what? I’ve actually enjoyed it. No road rage, no outward aggression, no causing problems for anybody. Just me behind the wheel cursing, hyper-vigilant and steaming with outrage. All under control.

Vanessa struggled with strong negative emotions. Only rarely did I show them. And as I sit here now I could go to town on myself for those lapses if it served any purpose. However…

Looking through some of her own personal notes, which I hadn’t seen before, she wrote this incredibly moving piece about the man she wanted in her life. As I have said elsewhere it was me, and I ticked most of the boxes. Of course with hindsight I would have sacrificed everything to tick all the boxes. But would that have been me being myself? Here’s the lesson.

She loves dogs. When I moved in here she had an adorable cat, Splodgie. I love cats and brought three of my own when the time was right. Splodgie was old and was becoming very ill and frail and so we had her put down, upsetting though it was. Amongst the rather long list of shared interests, Vanessa and I loved animals.

About a week into her hospice stay, Jonathan Brown realised a toy dog would be loved by Vanessa. His perception, guided by spirit, is stunningly accurate. So we bought her a little collie, which she named Syd. So attached did she become to Syd, the mere sight of him on her bed as I came into her room brought me to tears. Syd now sits on the arm of the sofa at home.

Yes, Vanessa wanted a dog. About 10 days before she passed I would have got her a real one. One of the things we loved was travelling, so she suggested having a dog might be problematic. No dog. In the Chinese horoscope I am a Dragon and Vanessa is a Dog. Dragons and dogs are supposed to be incompatible. I know now had we got a dog that animal would never have left my sight. If anything happened to him/her it would have been another hammer blow. And the point of all this?

Had I known before she became ill how much she wanted a dog, despite my love of the three cats, we would have had a dog. So what happened here? When you spend over half your life with one person (Anne), it is very difficult to readjust certain aspects of your behaviour with someone else. Anne could be quite assertive, and if she wanted something she would let me know. Another two of my traits which I am working overtime to correct, are impatience and not listening. I haven’t an excuse for impatience but I have for listening. If you come to me for therapy you will get 100% of my attention for that session. So I find it difficult to listen closely at other times. Vanessa is the best listener I have ever met. My work over the years has allowed me to interact at various levels of depth with around 10,000 people. I have yet to find anyone who met Vanessa who didn’t go away feeling valued.

Be more assertive my precious and I will listen? No. I will listen and I will then know what you want. And because you are so unselfish, putting others above you continuously, if I respond to something that you particularly want it will transform your life. And mine.

Listen to others. You don’t need to know Vanessa personally, but we all have a Vanessa in our minds. A role model for mature women and a role model for humanity.

We evolve. When we notice things in others that we don’t like it is like looking in a mirror. They are our greatest teachers. If the teachers can help us learn those lessons with love then we move closer and closer to perfection.

There is a wonderful principle in NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), the heart and the sword. The heart represents the relationship we have with the other person and the sword is a technique which helps them develop and change. With their permission of course. An incredible psychic artist Judi lives close by. Vanessa and I both have a unique individual drawing which links us to spirit, past lives and our future path. This realisation happened five minutes ago. Centre stage on my drawing is a Knight Templar, with his sword. A previous incarnation. On Vanessa’s are featured a dove, an angel and a cherub. Completely unconsciously today I found my wonderful little dove brooch I had not seen for months. The world will not change by the sword, it will change through the heart.

As the pain slowly subsides, and the episodes where it is unbearable become less frequent and the thoughts I have about joining Vanessa evaporate, the greatest spiritual development course ever staged becomes even more apparent. I was told by one medium the part of my role was to “oversee” Vanessa’s karmic release. Her cancer was the manifestation of her Karma from all her past lives. I’m not convinced. The reality is she is no longer here as a physical being and if what I’ve just written is the case then I will no doubt discover the truth in due course. Stuff the karma, curse the cancer and I have resigned as an overseer.

Yes it’s still raw. I know all this will change but there is some comfort in the rawness, ridiculous though it may sound to some. There is no comfort, no solace, no freedom, nothing of any value in her illness. We don’t need chronic illness. For the last two years it has consumed me. Vanessa has been in almost constant pain and has suffered a succession of truly appalling symptoms and carried on as only an angel or a Saint would do. The physical/medical side of all this has no place here. No certainties exist.

“Then he revealed what he knew about me, the things I did and the things I should have done, and perhaps the things I should not have done, which after all, he explained, did not matter very much.

I knew that he must’ve been with me for a very long time because my life to him was an open book, and there was no use telling him where I had been. What I wanted most now was to try and let him know what I knew. So I began to discourse on philosophy and higher metaphysics. I went on for some time and he listened to me very quietly. I thought that I’d made an impression, at least I would be worthy of his interest in me. Then he uttered these words:

‘My son, it does not matter very much whether it is true or not, does it?’”

The above is taken from Beyond the Himalayas by Murdo Macdonald Bayne. I had never heard of this man until an amazing healer, Helena, came in to see Vanessa one week before she passed. Bayne was her hero, he has now become mine. The dialogue is between a Tibetan monk and the author.

In closing, what really matters in this life?

What is success?

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate the beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch Or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

My beautiful Vanessa. You have “left” two amazing young women, your daughters. Almost every picture of you is one of you laughing or smiling. You epitomised beauty, you always strove to see the best in others and I can safely say a thousand lives have breathed easier because you have lived.

For the last 15 years I have lived with the knowing that before we pass we should have no regrets. As this is written my biggest regret is that I only knew you for four years.

It wasn’t enough. I will have to do all I can to live my life with you by my side from spirit. And I know you will be exceptionally close to a woman you admired tremendously when she was on the earth plane. Your “predecessor”, Anne Stewart. About whom I have already paid tribute to. Frequently.

To know Anne was enough for one lifetime. To know Vanessa in this lifetime was more than enough. To know them both during my incarnation was too much.

Jack Stewart August 28, 2019.

P.S. We were told we have been together for eternity. Bring it on.

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